The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
He wanted to make sure😂
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.