@weinerdog4life: The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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@dmc1138: Friend: “Any plans this weekend?” Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.” Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.” Me: “Nope.”
@UncleDuke1969: [book store] ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter* CLERK: What is that? ME: "Origami for Dummies." I want to return it.
@Daniilion_: *sips iced coffee* man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately *has another iced coffee* I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night *chugs redbull* my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare *takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*