The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You Might Also Like
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there