*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You know…for fall…
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭