Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
You Might Also Like
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Best seat on the street 😍
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?