[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: