The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
how long have you had this for?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
i now pronounce you bounced.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds