Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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銇濄倢銇崏
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
my friend: so the new person you鈥檙e dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there鈥檚 something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That鈥檚 how hard dating is holy shit
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they鈥檙e not talking to me so problem solved
Me irl
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it鈥檚 weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.