“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You Might Also Like
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.