“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Pringles
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”