The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
😂😂
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
*updates tinder bio*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE