The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
kids play hide and seek like
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.