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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’d hang this in my house.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer