@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
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@trevso_electric: The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
@LuvPug: *posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
@hello_saylor: Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
@Awk0Tacoo: Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.