The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.