The ex says he's come into some money and can finally "take care" of me. Wait…he's gonna have me killed isn't he?

@bjaynash: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

277

@david8hughes: Me: I'm not cleaning that up Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

1

@HallpassCanada: The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.

47

@Sickayduh: Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you A) hole B) cool C) what I did there D) bag?

1

@brotticelli: when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

1

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