@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
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@sarcasticmommy4: Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don't understand my son's Christmas list.
@DaddyJew: 5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
@MollySneed: "I'm glad you're so normal. It's refreshing." "That's me- totally normal!" *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*