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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close