@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
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@TheAlexP: Girl seeing my torn jeans Where'd you get those?! *remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes* The Gap.
@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
@LeftBlank___: She shouted "GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS" I fetched her one of her bras. Now we're not talking. Apparently.