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@9GAG: The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false...
@MaritalFauxPas: If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!
@illTortuga: Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
@MikeCanRant: if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
@AtticusFinch79: [At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
@Thedudish: A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.