The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
They’re not wrong
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*