THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*