The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
what the hell pray for carter everyone
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare