The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Eat…
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money