The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I don’t know what to do
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall