I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
cyclists
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull