Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
is this a threat
this article brought to you by lions
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost