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@carlyken: The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
@iinkedZombie: Old friend: I barely recognize you.
"That's the look I was going for. "
@ThaJawn: *arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?
@spark_asis: I don't get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
"your honor, I'd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry."
@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.