@carlyken: The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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@Xalqee: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
@djdarrellripley: Her: Does that dog actually play chess? Me: He's not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3. *Dog Barks Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
@tweetsvisual: I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.
@iGreenMonk: Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.