A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
early stone age tool
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[montage of me giving-up]
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history