You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When news reporters do sports stories
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
#Thanos #MondayMood
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on