@jenniferfralic: The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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@freeDone01: My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
@iwearaonesie: wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*
@Yankeegiant72: The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.