@jenniferfralic: The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea