@jenniferfralic: The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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@just1fool: 5: "Why is the moon so bright?" Me: "It's not, it's pretty dim actually." Moon: "I heard that."
@JosesLovesYou: Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I'll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland Me: You finally understand we can't afford it 5: You should just send me
@Twtercide: Him: Wtf is wrong with you? *remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos Me: I'm just really tired.