The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk