The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
You Might Also Like
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Sing it!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?