The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.