The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?