Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Oh thanks BBC.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.