The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
You Might Also Like
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘