The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Xylophonist Shredding It
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it