Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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Bless you
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”