my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Rambo Rambow
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT