My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.