@donni: The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
@jake_likes_naps: [accidentally calls teacher "mom"]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what's for dinner tonight
@envydatropic: Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don't really have it
@garrettbarry70: [At job interview]
M. "No, English is my second language."
I. "What's your first language then?"
@101Racey: Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
@WigCannon: Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.