The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Autocarrot sucks!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin