The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Fat chances are my favorite chances
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.