The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”