@OhNoSheTwitnt: The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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@bingowings14: Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
@psybermonkey: [Dinner table] Son: no! I don't wanna! Me: you want to be like Popeye don't ya? Son: ...yeah Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
@EyeSeeYou619: [country music plays in elevator] ME: I hate Toby Keith HIM: This isn't Toby Keith ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is
@FloodyHippie: A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn't scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.