@withanewname: The family pet is getting old so we're all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can't make it over there.
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@Crunk_Jews: [first day as Tour Guide in History Museum] "And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."
@tryped: Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby