The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”