The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
craving $300 all of a sudden
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.