the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.