the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.