@AsgardianRose: The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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@dafloydsta: [job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good
@milehighocd: Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*
@Reverend_Scott: Son, it's ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car... "OMG DAD. WOW-" ...dboard box. "But-" Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.