The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
finally found a reasonable question
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.