The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
wow
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?