“I wouldn’t.”
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
This is me
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why