The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware